Expectations

IMy babies' due date is today. Well, technically, it was yesterday since we are now in the 2 am hour. I had expected it to be a day of celebration and cute pictures involving matching outfits and headbands. That is not the day I had. 

Instead, it involved wishing the girls would let me nap, struggling to meet both their needs simultaneously after my mom left, and fretting over astronomical NICU bills that the insurance company says they aren't going to pay. And crying. There was definitely crying. 

When I was finally able to start thinking more clearly, I realized that everything will be okay. Things never go as I expect them to, but they always work out. I didn't expect to get pregnant with twins, but I'm so glad that these girls came together. I didn't expect them to arrive two months early, but they are here and they're healthy (and just so cute). 

So, why did I allow myself to get so worked up? One baby may have screamed her head off, but they were never hurt or in any danger. Somehow, the medical bills will be taken care of (Im really curious to see how this happens). I'll get more sleep...eventually. 

And think about all the things that did go right today. My mom was able to come and help me for two feedings. My husband came home early from work (well, early for him).  He let my get some sleep. The internet was working (it has been finicky lately). I was able to easily tell the girls apart (usually not the case when I put them in matching outfits). Someone from my school district finally called me back to answer one of my questions. I did a load of laundry.  I was able to read a few passages from the book my friend got me.  It's called Motherhood Realized and so far it has been so good. Today is actually a great example of one of the points that the writers were trying to make. I should probably start reading it a little more. 

I may not be done yet with decorating the nursery and I never arranged for a professional photo shoot and I haven't started on their baby books. However, I have fed them and changed their diapers and loved them. The rest can wait. I need to stop expecting that everything will be how it appears for other moms. Especially since most of them are dealing with half as many babies as I am. For tomorrow, my expectation is to have a nice day with my sweet baby girls. 

Home at last!

Dear Daughters,

You are one month old today!! And you know what's even more exciting than that? You got to spend your first night at home last night. It feels so good to have you out of the hospital. When we pulled up to the house, we discovered that someone who loves you a lot had decorated the front yard to welcome you home with a banner, balloons, and hearts in the grass. Nobody has admitted to it yet, but your grandparents sure have been asking a lot of questions. ;)

The hospital nurses were sad to see you go, but they loved seeing you all dressed up in your cute outfits from Grandma Cox. They've seen you accomplish so much. It's amazing to see how much has changed since the day you were born. You've both been gaining weight like champs. Each of you is more than a pound above your birth weight. I'm going to miss seeing how much you gained written on the whiteboard every morning. I was so surprised at how quickly you were both able to transition from being feed by a tube to eating from a bottle. It must have been so nice to get that tube out, though. 

It's too bad you won't be able to remember the nurses who took care of you. A few that your dad and I got to know well were Christy, Diana, Angela, Brandy, and Tracy. They all loved you girls. Tracy is the one who gave you your first hair do. She gave you a mini Mohawks and tiny bows. She calls it ‘Mows and Bows.’

It is so neat to see how much you love each other. When you two were making a lot of noise in the NICU, the nurses would try to get you to calm down, and the best fix was to put you both in the same bed together (even though they weren't supposed to). It was so sweet to see you cuddling together. 

Even though Dad and I are already exhausted from taking care of you for one night, we are so glad you are here. We love you more than we can say and we are so excited to be your parents. 

Love,

Mom

The Twins are Born

On a Tuesday, I started having contractions about five minutes apart. My friend drove me to the hospital, where they checked me out and gave me medication to stop the contractions. They were able to get things under control and did a fetal fibronectin test. It's a test that is 99% accurate in predicting if you'll go into labor within the next two weeks. My test came up negative, so they sent me home. 

Apparently I'm one of the lucky 1%. At 4:00 on Friday morning, I woke up to find that I was bleeding. A lot. I woke Tim up and, of course, he didn't react well to the blood. He headed to the closet and spent several minutes on the floor, trying not to pass out. 

After pulling himself together, Tim was able to drive me to the hospital. It was kind of funny that I kept checking to see how he was doing when I was the hospital patient. 

They did an ultrasound to determine where the bleeding was coming from. We later determined it was my cervix. My doctor gave me lots of medication to stop my contractions, but they didn't have much of an impact. 

She finally decided that these babies were coming, so she was going to take the cerclage stitch out of my cervix. Before she started, they hooked up my epidural. Sweet relief! 

The cerclage was trickier to take out than usual. Since I had been laboring all day, it was embedded into my cervix. The doctor was able to cut the knot that was holding it together, but the rest of the stitch wouldn't come out. The plan was to just let the contractions work it out. 

Over time, I still wasn't dilating much. I asked my nurse how I would be able to tell when it was time since I already had the epidural working its magic. She said to let her know if I felt any pressure. 

Well, the pressure came. And with it a bunch of fluid. I figured it was my water breaking, but it was...more blood. I guess it was a good thing Tim was not back from a quick run to our house yet. Unfortunately, it also meant that my dreams of having a vaginal birth were thrown out the window. 

As soon as my doctor saw how much blood I'd lost, everything was a whirlwind. I was moved into the operating room, where I was quickly surrounded by about twenty other people, who were moving around like crazy. Tim made it back and they let him in just before the operation started. They had heard about how green he'd been that morning, so they had a stool all ready for him by my head. 

I wish I could say the c section was no big deal, but that would be a lie. It was pretty miserable. Of course, I don't have anything to compare it to since I've never done this whole 'giving birth' thing before.  I felt like it took forever, but I'm pretty sure that it didn't. Both girls were born at 5:50pm. They brought "Baby A" over to my head and let me kiss her forehead before whisking her away. I never got to see "Baby B." 

The next thing I remember is being in the recovery room. A man asked me if my face was naturally pale. I wasn't really sure how to respond since I had spent the last two months indoors on bedrest. I guess I was pretty pale from losing so much blood. Luckily, my body recovered well by the next morning and they didn't have to give me any more blood. 

Tim came in to show me pictures of our sweet little girls. Then, it was time to see them in person. Only it's really hard to see babies in incubators while you're laying down and don't have enough energy to lift your head. 

I guess that was good motivation for me to try walking later on. It was so worth it to face the pain of getting out of bed so that I could see my two sweet daughters.  My husband put it well when he said, "Sunshine after a frightening storm." We are so glad that they are here and that we get to be their parents. 

One Week Old

Dear Daughters,

You are one week old today! And I couldn't be a happier mommy. Right now I am holding both of you together for the first time and it's wonderful! I didn’t even mind when Miss E spit up all over me and in your sister's hair. Really, I think you were just trying to be more like Miss L, who had spit her lunch up all over her bed just a few minutes earlier.

You two amaze me every single day. As of today, you are both breathing on your own and don't have any IVs. We are working to help you learn how to drink milk without a feeding tube. Before we know it, you will get to come home with me and daddy.  I set up your cribs with your aunt Anna tonight.  We are all ready for you.  

Daddy and I are so happy to have you here as part of our eternal family. The day that you came was a little crazy, but I always felt calm and knew that we would all be okay.  I only stayed in the hospital for four days.  The first night that I went home, I was so sad because you were still in the hospital nursery.  I didn’t want to leave my girls.  It still makes me a little sad, but I know that you are in good hands.  The nurses there are so great.  They can’t get over how cute you two are.  Nobody can, really.  I love you more than you can ever know!

Love,
Mom

Staying Sane

Today, I am 32 weeks pregnant! Woot! Not only is this a big milestone week as far as reduced labor complications go, but it also marks making it through eight weeks on bed rest.  There is a light at the end of this tunnel (right before I enter the next tunnel: figuring out how to raise twins).  I've so got this!

Enjoying standing up for a brief moment.

There are a few things that are helping me keep my sanity:


1. My mini "kitchen"

How can a mini fridge and microwave keep me sane? Easy-a pregnant girl's gotta eat! Also, one of the toughest parts of starting bed rest was losing my sense of independence.  This helped me to gain a little bit of that back-as long as my husband keeps it well stocked (which he does).


2. Entertainment

At the foot of my bed are reading materials and a laptop.  Before being confined to my bed, we didn't subscribe to any streaming websites.  Now, I have an account on Netflix, Hulu Plus, and Amazon Prime.  Even though I have access to so many shows and movies now, I try to keep my TV time limited (some days I'm better than others).  I get a much better sense of accomplishment when I finish a book than I do when I finish a show. 

3. Getting Dressed

Visitors are often surprised to find that I'm not in pajamas.  I've found that getting dressed is one of the biggest things that helps me have a great day.  There is a noticeable change for the good when I make this small step.  I'm a little worried about this because I am my husband is having a hard time finding clothes that still fit me at this point (don't even get him started on women's clothing).

4. Letting some things go

While I am showcasing my room, I'll let you see the other side of my bed.  It, too, is a big mess.  It took some time, but I've finally accepted that it's going to be a while before my room returns to its former state of being well-organized and roomy.  When you move everything you need into one room, it's just going to look a little different.


5. Projects

I've been working on a few things to keep my hands busy:

-Knitting Hats: I'm still terrified by the idea of knitting needles, but I did take on the knitting loom.  I still have a few weeks left in bed, so we'll see if I get brave enough for needles.

-Coloring: My first page of an adult coloring book was a frustrating disaster.  Luckily, I turned the page and now I find it to be quite enjoyable.

-Brushing up on Spanish: I've been using my Duolingo app and it's amazing how much my mind is starting to remember from high school

-Family History: In addition to indexing, I've been working on typing up my Grandma Pell's life stories.  I took on this project as a gift for my mom, but it has turned out to be a gift for myself as well.  I love learning more about my family.

-Helping my new friend: My sister has been creating art prints for her friend, who recently launched Smarty Skirts Box. I volunteered my idle hands to help with a little project and made a new friend in the process. I'm not sure that I can reveal who is featured in February's box, but I will say that I'm a pro at making nurse caps now.


6. Knowing Awesome People

This has definitely been the thing that has helped me most of all. I'm so grateful for all the people who have taken the time to call, text, or visit me.  Plus, those who bring me food, take me to the doctor, clean the house, play games with me, and paint the nursery.  I could go on and on about this, but I'll just say that I am so blessed-especially when it comes to my husband.  He's my hero.

7. Keeping my focus on the end goal

I'm doing all this for my two daughters.  And they're so worth it.  They're both doing great, by the way.  One of my new best friends is the ultrasound tech.  She just goes on and on about how awesome and perfect my little girls are.  I'm a little bummed that I don't have to get a weekly ultrasound anymore-I'm going to miss seeing their favorite cheer leader on a regular basis.  I wish I had some ultrasound pics to share, but they're too squished now to get any good shots. Oh well.

Twins FAQs

All the answers to the questions you may have about our twins:

Do you know the genders?
Yes! We're having two girls!! Woot!

Are they identical or fraternal?
We don't know.  Our twins are di/di, which means that they are in two sacs and have two placentas.  Most di/di twins are fraternal; however, about 5% of them are identical.  This can happen if a single egg splits within three days of conception.  So, we'll just have to wait and see when they're born.

Do twins run in your family?
Nope.  My husband has twin sisters and a few other twins in his ancestry.

Were they conceived naturally or did you use fertility treatments?
Naturally.

P,S, A lot of moms are not comfortable with answering this question.  I don't really mind, but if you meet other twin moms in the future, you may want to just refrain from asking.

Do you have names picked out?
Nope.  We have a few options, but I don't really want to share until we know for sure.

When are they due?
My due date is April 6.  We'll see when they actually decide to come.  They already tried coming once, but I'm hoping that they'll hold off until March so they don't have to spend a long time in the NICU.

Are you going to have a C-Section?
This all depends on how the girls are facing as we get further along.

Are you planning on dressing them in matching clothes?
We probably will sometimes, but not all of the time.

How are the babies?
They're great.  They are on track with their growth.  The ultrasound technician told us that they have the most beautiful hearts she has ever seen and she could just stare at them all day.

How are you feeling?
I feel just fine.  Many people think that I'm sick since I'm in bed all day.  Nope. Not sick at all.  Just stuck.  As far as my emotional state, I'm doing pretty well, too.  I've had two rough days where I felt frustrated that I had to rely upon other people for the simplest tasks, but nothing too bad.

Can we see a picture?
Sure. You can see three. The babies are from 19 weeks. I've had several ultrasounds since then, but they can never get good pictures of the babies' faces.

28 Weeks
Picture taken on the way to the bathroom
(the only time I'm allowed to stand)

The Story of a Book

I belong to a book club.  And I am so grateful that I do.  First off, I get to meet with awesome women every month (well, we won't get into my attendance record, but the opportunity is there to go every month).  Also, I am always being introduced to new books that I never would have come across on my own.  I don't think I had ever read a memoir before book club and now that's one of my favorite genres.

One of the books that our club recently read is All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr.  I've been trying to not buy books lately, so I checked out the availability from my library.  Apparently, other people have heard of this book, too.  I signed up for every possible version of the book (book, ebook, and audio CD).

After lots of waiting, the CDs became available from the library.  I eventually was hooked, but had to return the CDs since I was going on a long vacation (I do not recommend listening to an audio version of this book.  It was a bit confusing to keep track of characters and dates).

When I got back from vacation, my ebook was ready.  I fell even more in love with the story and the characters.  I got about 90% through the book and my loan ended (no renewals with ebooks). Boo.

At this point, I said, "Why didn't I just buy this book in the first place? I'll just get it now." My husband discouraged me from doing so in the interest of saving money.

More waiting.

The CDs became available again, so I resumed listening to the story.

When I was on the final chapter, a package arrived in the mail.  The book!! My own nice, hardback copy of All the Light We Cannot See. How did this happen?  Turns out that my awesome husband had ordered it for me way back when the eBook disappeared from my Kindle.  For some reason, it took forever to arrive.  Now it was here.  The thing that I had wanted all along.  And I only had pages left to read.  Even if I didn't get to read much of it, he still earned major husband points.  Plus, now I can lend it to other people or read it again.